Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
