I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
