Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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