My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
