Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
