Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
