My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
