i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And then the night went full on bisexual.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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