Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
