He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
