Capitaan dildo arrescate!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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