Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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