I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
