So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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