People in love make me want to vomit
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
