I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
