I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
