you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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