We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
