White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
