I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
