I met the friendliest cop last night
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
