i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
