I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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