Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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