I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
