things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
