My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
