FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Randomize
