I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
