I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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