Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
