Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
