A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Couch. On fire.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
