my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
