Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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