running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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