I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
