Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
