My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
