Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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