I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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