Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
