and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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