i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
