I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
