You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
