Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
