Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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