I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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