I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
