I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am naked and annoyed.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
