just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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