he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
