now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
