I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
